Sean Patton Finally Cracks

You’ve seen him on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Conan and his Comedy Central Half Hour was released in 2013. Sean Patton shares a story he’d been bribed not to tell.

Patton sets the scene in Baton Rouge, Louisiana at comedy club The Funny Bone. Patton had been promised $100 at the beginning of the night for two sets. The first set, Patton described what it felt like to be “heckled by crickets.” The second set followed up even worse with a drunk crowd booing him off stage.

When Patton was getting paid out, the manager handed him $50. Patton questioned the payment, “I thought it was supposed to be $100?” and the manager answered, “I thought you were going to be better.” And that was that. His set barely got a smile and his pay was cut in half.

Patton thought to himself, “Well, all I want to do is get drunk, now.” And he did. Not long after sitting at the bar, a beautiful, 40-something-year-old woman plopped herself down next to him. She complimented his set and asked if he thought she was pretty. He indeed did think so and that delighted her. She immediately invited him back to her place to “get high.”

Patton drove himself and this woman to a gated community, an obviously very wealthy community with a key pad entry lock. The lady spewed off 3 or 4 combinations of numbers before the security guard came to check out the issue. The lady yelled something in what Patton described as “shitface” language and surprisingly enough, the security guard replied “Oh, OK!” and opened the gate.

The gorgeous exterior did not mirror the inside of the woman’s home. Patton remembered seeing rows of unwrapped ramen noodle squares towering out of an empty pizza box. “There was a refrigerator in the foyer room, laying on it’s side, open and it was on and it was full of trash,” Patton told Vice.

Completely ignoring the mess, the lady tells Patton she’s going to perform for him. Thinking the obvious, Patton sits back on the couch and awaits the show. To his surprise/disappointment, the woman reappears with a VCR and demands Patton hook it up to the TV. He does. She shoves a VHS tape into the device and illuminating the screen is a younger version of this woman acting in a small play.

Not exactly what Patton was expecting but he sticks around a little longer. Then the woman remembers the whole reason for inviting Patton over: to get high. As someone who had engaged in recreational drug use, Patton was familiar with marijuana and opiate aromas. But when the lady lit her pipe, Patton almost didn’t recognize the smell.

“That is crack. It fits the description as crack. That is a rock and it has that sweet-tinny smell that you hear about.”

The woman passes the pipe to Patton and he takes it in his hand. He pulls it over to the side of his face and pretends to smoke the crack. He even inhales a big gust of air to trick the lady. When he passes the pipe back, the lady is already clearly messed up from her first hit.

Patton realizes this is his best chance of escaping this situation and heads towards the door. Just as we think his crazy adventure is over, in walks mystery lady’s husband. From neck tie all the way to the brief case and his unsurprised face, Patton got the feeling this wasn’t the first time this guy had come home to a similar situation.

Before Patton could get a word out, he felt something hard contact with the back of his head. It was the woman. She was punching him from behind, completely losing her mind. The husband grabbed and contained her yelling “Deardra! Deardra!” and Patton realizes he never got the lady’s name. The husband tells Patton to stay put and comes back with a checkbook in place of Deardra.

The husband asked Patton to never speak of his encounter to anyone and wrote him a check for $500.

I made $50 bombing in front of dumb, f***ing idiot, Baton Rouge people, but I made $500 to basically never tell this story.


*all illustrations by Matt Marblo taken from*


Catch Sean Patton LIVE at Comedy Works Downtown November 8-10!

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