I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
Mike Birbiglia (via schlapp-attack)
MMM…Pizza! Can’t wait to have him here in Denver Sept 5-7
I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
Mike Birbiglia (via schlapp-attack)
MMM…Pizza! Can’t wait to have him here in Denver Sept 5-7
They are always saying “you don’t talk. How come you don’t talk?” You know why? Because it’s not quiet in here (points at brain). I am busy talking myself out of doing stupid shit all day long.
Women are different, they look down on you – there is this whole idea that a woman has slept her way to the top. “Oh, she slept her way to the top!” If I could fuck my way to the top, I would be at the fucking top.
I’m not looking for “the one,” because I’m looking for one of the ones. I don’t think there is “the one,” there’s a lot of people for there just to be one. One? I got one? There’s six billion people. What if my one lives in Bangladesh and doesn’t have the internet? I gotta sleep alone because my one has no 4G? That’s no fair.
Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn’t get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I’m doing jazz. That’s kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks… Maybe I’m the Kenny G of comedy.
Robert was a friend; and I mean the real definition of friend, not some show-bizzy version where “my dearest, closest friend” means, “Although we haven’t actually met, the two of us could do business together if someone held guns to our heads.”
We like each other and respected each other, but the first is more important: We liked each other. And I suppose I intentionally started on something else, because there is so much loss in life to balance the gain. I guess we never really look at it each time it shows its face. But there is so much happiness available in life.
And Robert had so much loss in his, but he still had such a gleam of happiness in his eye; and I never knew how he did.
But we all can’t be the heaviest woman in the world…I gave up that dream a long time ago.
The approach toward visiting a new city generally goes like this: go downtown, eat and buy shit, formulate an opinion. But were you to do that in Denver, you would come away thinking the only thing to do here is eat at Taco Bell and shop for dream-catchers.
Someday our grandchildren will look at this and laugh that we cared about any of this stuff, and then they will order their sex-robots to euthanize us and process us into food
We have a new story idea that we feel excited about and we’re going to try to go forward. The beginning of the movie is [set]… 10 years later, and Derek & Hansel are literally forgotten. Nobody even knows who they are, so they have to re-invent themselves. If Will says yes, he definitely has to be a part of it. To me, Mugatu is one of the classic screen villains of all time.